Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Where am "I"?

Sitting at the "stockyards" of fort worth, Texas.  I am very confused as I look around and see so many people infatuated with the fact that here in Texas they slaughter more cows than anywhere else in the world.  The stockyards is an area I personally don't find happiness. If there is happiness within the confines of raising and killing animals, I don't seem to get it. Oh well.  It is my reality, I'm just trying to figure it out. Now I await the delivery of my mushroom pizza after watching the rest of my crew devour some very tasty looking portions of beef soaked in barbecue sauce.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Sweet blogger app

I finally found an easier way to blog... A little patience and some meditation, and the world is becoming much easier to live in.

Simply nothing

Starting to get back into my zazen practice and reading I have found far less clarity, and yet an understanding I didn't know I remembered. Sitting still, allowing what is and what isn't to come to the forefront of my limited understanding, I have realized absolutely nothing.  In this nothing I have found nothing, but everything seems to be involved in it more deeply than when I allow myself to become Tim... This makes no sense to anybody who reads it, and it makes no sense to what I understand as me, but it just is. Isolation is merely a blindfold and a blindfold is isolation.  I enjoy the opposite as much as the opposite enjoys me, as much as I enjoy the same and the same enjoys me.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Still figuring it out

Too many topics to cover. I will say craigslist seems to change are presented with as options in the personals section based on ur past page visits with them. If you seem to click on a certain type of fetish repeatedly, it then starts to produce more of those options for you.  Great way to keep a person plugged in but a bit scary for the user.

Monday, August 19, 2013

NSA PRISM Government Spying Carnivore

With all of the recent hype in the media about the NSA and their PRISM program, I feel inclined to add more to the garbage perpetuated on the internet. First, I must say, if you are new to the thought or idea that the US government is spying on people on the internet you are a bit naive. I do believe that in recent years with our significant social aspect on the web and the rise of the smart phone, more information than ever before is becoming available to those smart enough, rich enough, and willing enough, to gather that information. If you are in any way "connected" to the world we currently live in, then you are probably a victim of some sort of invasion of privacy. The days of privacy are history in my opinion. As long as you expect to survive in the world as it is, and continues to become, you are forced to be "plugged in". Social paranoia has plagued me for years, but in the most recent years I have felt an increase in my angst and anxieties associated with the thoughts that people are following me, and know my every move. I remind myself daily, I am a nobody, and do nothing to hurt others, so there is no need for the anxiety associated with the paranoia, however with my inability to reduce my situational awareness, I feel anxiety every place I go. The bottom line is, if the government, or any large entity for that matter, wants to collect information on you, they will. Attempts at running from it, or hiding from it, are futile. As I mentioned before, being "plugged in" has become a necessity of survival in the US. The only bit of advice I would have to offer to anybody listening is, don't let it ruin your day, don't hurt others, and don't keep secrets online you are afraid others will find out. In other words, be yourself. I will be myself when I say, I love porn... probably too much. Since my earlier entry about discovering the depths of Craigslist personals, I have also found myself addicted to the thought that I can have any sexual experience in the world. A big problem that may arise from the information being collected is when there is no line drawn between what a person does online vs. what they do when they are with another person. When the separation of thought and actual physical truth disappears we all will need to think about standing up for our civil rights, but until then we should be okay with the idea somebody is watching over us. Remember, we are all broken, and imperfect, it's about time we all come to the realization that others are aware of our imperfections. I recommend any person that is online doing things they don't want others to know about to stop immediately, although, it is probably too late anyways. Some people seem to be afraid of the fact their information is being accessed and collected; or the thought that profiles are being generated on each individual including everything from your birthday, to every picture of you online or on a mobile device, to your hobbies, and literally ANYTHING else you can imagine. I think it is liberating and will eventually reset us all back to the carnal creatures we are. I believe it will bring about a change in society that will include more genuine honesty and less deception. The glass is half full, or half empty. Your thoughts are now, and always, your choice. All we can do as US citizens is hope the government we have put in place is here to protect us, and to do the right thing when faced with adversity. -Cheers... Tim

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Travelin folk

Traveling changes you as a person. The way you perceive the world changes.  Your ability to listen to others changes. Sitting at the bar eating dinnner listening to people talk/brag about their travels. All I can see and hear is another lonely person draped in alcohol.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Missin her

She gave me more than she'll ever know. I never let her see it when she needed it. I guess I'm pretty selfish.  Luckily I'm given an amazing thing to pay my penance with... My job. I won't make the mistake of taking things that are a blessing in my life for granted ever again. Ahhh... Who am I kidding? I will continue to mess up.  All I can do is remember to be a better man in respect for the things she showed me.  Love is real.  You become truly aware of love when it's lost, because it survives somewhere in everything you do.

So here I go, moving forward, and never forgetting the breath I was given with the last forward stride.

Life is amazingly beautiful. We survive the deepest pains, and are filled with hope when we believe all hope is gone.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Don't read this

If you are reading this, then you don't do what everybody tells you to do.  I think we might get along. Anyways this is a random blog post mostly to entertain my idea that somebody out there is listening. I'm currently looking out the window of a Learjet cruising at 41,000' moving pretty fast too. My overall perception of the planet we call home has dramatically  changed over the course of the last two years. Traveling a couple thousand miles per day has become normal, but that isn't the biggest personal change I have experienced. Yes, the world has become much smaller in my mind, and yes I enjoy the nomadic lifestyle, however there is something that happens to, well, at least my brain, with the constant change of scenery, culture, food, temperature, times, beds, people, and anything else you can possibly fathom. As I travel to and fro experiencing all of these things I am noticing the person I once thought I was being broken down, or pulled apart.  Almost as if I was once a puzzle with pieces being placed daily, painting a picture of the guy I was becoming, to my current state, which can only be described as an exponentially expanding collage. There are still parts of the puzzle left, but as more is added to the overall picture, the puzzle is becoming less noticeable. It is strange being plugged into multiple cultures over the course of only 24 hours. For instance, a conversation in NYC will be quick, informative, and to the point, no matter who or why you are conversing.  Then only a few hours later you can attempt to carry the same conversation with a person in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.... But it will almost always involve some sort of cultural process of empathy or nosiness, depending on your personal ideas on reasoning human interaction. None the less, I am experiencing a lot. I have always had a strong belief: that which does not kill me will make me stronger. I still hold onto this saying and appreciate it daily. I am not saying by any means I am physically dying, but I will say the psychological aspect of understanding life that I once understood is becoming convoluted as I continue to absorb everything described above. Life is funny. We all want, almost need, to feel we are creating a lasting impression somewhere in the world.  The problem I see with this is the majority's understanding of "somewhere" is primarily a physical understanding of a location, or group of people.  Anyways, shutting the thinker off for now. Back to a mindless game to pass a few more hours. One more thing before I go. People keep telling me to live for myself. If anybody can give me advice on how this is possible I'll gladly hear it, but probably won't listen.  Peace.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

The gates of Craigslist Personals

A webpage that hasnt needed to grow up, has never needed a pretty GUI, has never had ads plastered all over it, is also one of the worlds most frequented webpages. Craigslist has become the go to place to sell and buy things on the cheap. It has been the talk of the media multiple times riddled with scams and violent crimes that originated with the utilization of the simplistic interface and the false sense of security people often feel when interacting with such a visually basic webpage. It looks like a newspaper. Even the personals section appears to have derived from the newspaper classifieds section that we all used to love to gander at. In my journey to understand more about Craigslist personals, and its effects on people I have strangely found myself lured in and addicted to knowing more, understanding more, and seeing more. I cannot lie, at this point Craigslist personals definitely appeals to me. Even when you begin to think about what is potentially going on in the background of this website that has such a simple interface, a website that has become a common household reference for on this and you get filled with paranoia, fear, and the thirst for knowledge, and human understanding, you are drawn deeper into the depths of addiction. Look at it this way: When a person anonymously posts something in an attempt to fulfill some sort of sexual fantasy, or in an attempt to connect with another human, they are putting an ad up that is viewable to the entire world. I know, it's supposed to be anonymous, but this information is highly valuable. It's information that could potentially be used someday to blackmail, coerce, manipulate, etc the person who posted the ad. I am not saying I have any evidence this takes place, nor am I discrediting Craigslist without any evidence. I am simply writing this to add more conspiring theoretical garbage to the web, in hopes that I will someday be right. Anyways, let's get back to the part in the story where you posted an ad in craigslist personals, in your attempt to follow suit of other ads you have browsed you clearly state your intentions, what you are looking for, your age, your general location, maybe a picture and sometimes even your phone number. (Yes, I've been stupid enough to do this a time or twenty) Now lets say you get some responses to your ad, (everybody gets responses, btw) these responses come to your personal email address that you entered when you posted the ad. So now you've got an inbox of responses, most never meet even the minimum requirement you set forth in ur ad "no pic no reply" or be hwp, under 50, etc etc. Naturally you probably wont respond to these people, unless you run out of options, watch out! Then there are a select few that you may believe are legitimate responses, and this is where my theory comes into play. None of this is based on any sort of evidence, but over the course of years of getting sucked into the Craigslist personals, I have come up with this theory. There are a lot of people in this world that do not approve of homosexual, transsexual, bisexual, or other alternative lifestyles. If you browse craigslist personal ads you will be apalled, confused, intrigued, scared, turned on, etc etc. It is a very interesting world, and you cant help but say to yourself, there is no way there are this many freaks out there. Some world leaders, and world organizations, naturally do not approve of these lifestyles, as they are viewed as placing shame on individuals families, races of people, countries, towns, etc. There is a large number of people in the Phoenix classifieds that are obviously hooked on a powerful and addictive substance often called Tina, as this substances holds more of their life, the individuals seem to lose sense of themself in a powerful, almost carnal addiction, that harbors permiscuity, self hatred, and continued reliance on the only thing that makes them feel alive after time, Tina. The Tina reference is only one of many paths a person seems to eventually choose once in the craigslist black hole. Naturally this would put this next thought in my mind. Large and powerful organizations have a significant opportunity to align more "sheep" (referring to those blindly following the masses) with their agenda. The "sheep" or the lost lonely souls of craigslist personal ads are still people though. I believe, lost, or lonely, you are still alive. I dont believe we die until we have accomplished the things we were needed and botn to accomplish while here. I am not in any way disassociating myself from the lost and lonely souls, as I said before, craigslist has a strange power that leads to addiction in desire for the unknown. So lets just say theoretically there are a few powerful organizations that collectively makeup the darkness, the light, and the power associated with craigslist personal ads. You can never be too careful when putting something like this out into the world, so I will not name any organizations, groups, or individuals that I theoretically believe play a major role in manipulating the lost and lonely. Let's go back to your inbox. Remember you had all those responses, or maybe you only had a few. Out of the responses you got, let's say you respond to three. The three you respond to now have your email address, and any other information you decided to entrust in this stranger. This also directly associates you with the ad you posted. Now take it a step further. Let's say of the three messages you respond to, you decide to take the leap into the unknown, and meet this person. They may come to your house or you may go to theirs. You may meet up outside, or in a car, or in a hotel. This person you are meeting is either legitimate, or they aren't. You probably wont be able to tell which one they are for a while, if ever. In my theory, some of the people involved in craigslist personals (the people im talking about are the ones with an easily noticeable record of consistency in their frequency in posting ads, their placement of ads in multiple cities in different states, and their methodical, almost robotic and emotionless verbal and written/typed/texted interaction with the lost lonely souls. My understanding of human nature is, we all crave interaction with others, we are social animals that require emotional intercourse, as often, if not more often than the morally void, physical interaction, that is often the result of at least one person's faded ability to discern wrong from right as they have continued to try and feed the monster growing inside of them. Again, this is my conspiring mind, not necessarily the truth. Regardless, I hope those that have read this post will take something away from it, and have learned something. If anything, I am sure it has made you think, and probably opened your eyes a little wider. We all have a monster inside of us, its up to us to starve it.

I'm sure I will have more to write about in regards to the life of a Craigslist personals Junkie, so please come back for more. Or comment, and tell me how you feel about my comments.

One last time, I must reitirate, I am not claiming any of the information contained in this post is based on what is often referred to as "hard evidence.". I have experienced Craigslist with my own body, mind, and soul and in trade have taken years off my life, not to mention the significant hurdles it has caused for me personally, all due to my thirst for knowledge and understanding; My desire to travel where few men have traveled before; My persistence in fulfilling my own selfish agenda of ultimate exploration and true spiritual connection and understandig. This is my interpretation of experiences so take it or leave it. If you believe all of this to be factual and reference or quote any of the information I have written, in speculation, in an effort to promote your personal or organization's agenda, please provide me with your information, including full legal name and address, so I can send you a thank you card for referencing my blog and scamming off of my sacrifices instead of doing your own research. Basically what I'm saying is, do some research on ur own, educate yourself, then talk to me about what you think you know. I do not recommend entering the Gates of Craigslist personals, but if you choose to do so, there is a lot to be learned, and to be shared.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Painted clear

I hide Behind a bottle of whiskey
I hide Behind a burning cigarette
I hide behind myself
All Life continues...
My Life seems to remain
Holding onto extinct feelings
Living to feel what cant be felt
Desires to feel it all once again
Wanting to feel loved
Wanting to feel needed
Wanting to feel euphoric
Wanting to just.... feel
Feel Physical feelings
Feel Fleeting feelings
Please fucking let me feel something
But, Feelings never return
I dive forward
Leaping Into an abyss of perceived feelings
Breathing expired air
Living for what is no more
I am afraid of tomorrow
I am afraid of yesterday
I am afraid of perception
Once I felt so good
Once i felt so bad
Once, i fucking felt
Feelings never recall themselves
Feelings never care
Feelings are impossible to recreate
I offer words of manipulative wisdom
I offer helping hands
I offer my physical self
Thus, I die every day
Deeper i sink into recollection
Hiding behind the nonsense i speak
Hiding behind perceived intellect
Hiding behind .... Self
Perceived intellect and advice as follows:
Feel alive just one time
Chase that feeling
Chase love
Chase life
Chase the high
Chasing and never leading
Living for moments once had
our feelings become paint
On the canvas of lives we've touched
Our lives, they are our paintbrush.
I paint clear.
Whats your color?

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Why not me?

I frequently ask, why not me? I watch people dying and in the last days of their lives for a living. These people and I connect. Their families and I connect, and I end up with stories about my patients that only push me further into a lack of understanding of my own existence and yet still put a smile on my face as I hear about others lives and how blessed they are. My life in comparison to those I am lucky enough to be a part of is wasted. Oh well, keep moving forward I guess. I am lucky to witness and be a part of others lives and deaths.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Project: Underworld

For the first time ever; an in depth journey into the dark and deviant underbelly of the technologically connected human mind.

There is a world we all know exists, and I would venture to guess many of you that read this have found yourself browsing through this very place.  I am even willing to go out on a limb and assume you have clicked through this place on more than one ocassion.  With our increasingly physical and emotional social disconnect due to increased demands on our perceived virtual personas, aka the social networking era, we as human beings are beginning to instinctively yearn for the connection that is innate in all of us; Physical, sexual, and emotional connection with another person.  This place we will dive into is filled with ideas, opportunities, thoughts, pictures and words; but most importantly, it's filled with people.  These people are uncensored by societal norms.  They are free to discuss or request their deepest, darkest desires and secrets.  These desires are revealed millions of times per day in this place.  This will be an ongoing extensive and uncensored look into the Casual Encounters, or No Strings Attached section of our favorite bargain shopping site, Craigslist.  The purpose of this article is to provide insight into the minds that venture into this dark corner of the internet, and hopefully shed some light on a topic that has been ignored due to it's embarassing and extremely personal nature. There will be no personal information shared, and no identities revealed, other than the identity of me, the writer of this article.  This is a completely unbiased, strictly educational article, with no intentions of pushing sets of beliefs on any one person or group.  I hope you enjoy reading as I continue to post and I welcome others insights and stories. 

Be on the lookout for more!


Monday, April 29, 2013

Touch the world, it touches back.

I haven't written in here in quite a while, as I have found myself recently occupied with other things including a woman, a child, a motorcycle, and a farm.  Still traveling around the world providing hope for one family at a time weekly.  I guess what prompted me to write today was... the clouds.  Have you ever had a time in your life when you felt so connected to the world, the real world?  I am talking about the world we all live in; the planet, nature, the beauty of everything around us that we continue to increasingly overlook as time passes.  My entire life, I have done this.  It is so easy to become caught up in our beliefs of what is important in this world.  Move fast, make money, consume STUFF, etc. etc.  If you are even still reading this, then I assume you can fill in the etc. portion endlessly.  When is the last time you sat in the grass?  When is the last time you stared at the clouds, relaxed, soaked up sunlight, or even better, soaked up raindrops?  I dare you after reading this blog entry to go outside, regardless of the weather; go outside and soak up the sun, touch nature, feel the world that is all around you.  We people are so miniscule in comparison to our scientific understanding of the universe, and yet we are so filled with this sense of ego, this idea that if we just make that extra money, or go on that vacation, or marry that person, our world will become better.  If you feel the actions you perform in your lifetime, the words you speak, the art you produce, or the souls you touch, will be immortalized in some way, you are awesome, and please contribute in a positive manner to our younger generation, urge them to see beyond the smartphone or beyond the computer!  You want to know what is more awesome?  Go outside.  The world around us, doesn't speak nonsense, doesn't lie, or deceive, doesn't manipluate or implant fear, it doesn't destroy itself, it doesn't damage everything around it, it all is a part of a greater symphony than any one of us could compose in a lifetime.  Turn off your cell phone, get off the computer, stop speaking so much, and just go enjoy the world that has been put here for us.  I understand, a part of living in this world is making money, and fitting into the society we live in.  I am simply urging you to take some time daily to look at the world through the eyes of a child.  I know you remember being a child, going outside, playing in the grass, climbing trees, swimming, flying kites, etc.  The world is being forgotten as we forge our new future and our new found envious and devious personas through virtual social networking.  Remember, usually the harder thing to do, and the right thing, are the same.       
Thank you for reading, and please pass it on.  Touch the world.  It touches back.


Friday, February 15, 2013


I was wrong. Oh well. #kcco

2012 DA14 Asteroid - The not so much TRUTH

I need to preface this post with an obvious fact, I am in no way intelligent in regards to outer space, astrology, or any of the sorts.  Today a meteorite (I think that's what it's called when it actually hits the earth), struck somewhere in Russia, there are some SWEET vids on the internet as well, thanks to the corrupt Russian government creating the need for private dash cams in most cars of citizens trying to protect their rights.  The videos went viral, so finding them wont be an issue and posting links to them here will be a waste of my time.  Anyways, I am not calling NASA or any of the other smart people in the world liars by any means, but I have a cool conspiracy theory, that I guess I just want to post... If you read around, there are posts about the asteroid 2012 DA14 that is to pass by the earth some 17,000 miles from the earths surface (I think... again, I'm not smart).  Continue reading, and you will find some posts stating that the asteroid contains valuable metals and minerals, however they go on to state retrieving the metals from fast moving asteroid would be more costly than profitable.  All of this reading and Red Bull got me thinking, probably too much.  It is a known fact, our country aint' doing so fancy financially, also a known fact that we have technological and military capabilities that are unannounced to the public for security reasons.  My question is... what if, just what if, the meteorite that hit Russia was a chunk of the Asteroid, after some powerful or rich (or both), people decided they wanted to mine the precious metals out of the asteroid, and they realized if they just broke the asteroid apart in space with a fancy missile or something, and allowed smaller chunks to hit the earth, they could travel to wherever it struck, mine the metal from the, now, meteorite chunk, and turn a decent profit.  I guess we will find out.  There are rumors, speculations, whatever you call it, and I have no idea if any of it is scientifically based, that for the next few days there will be continued meteorite strikes across the planet.  Anyways, none of this changes my day, other than my few minutes it took to post this little blog.  I hope you have a lovely day, and definitely be looking at the skies around 1:30pm CST.  That is my scientific calculation, based on here say  rumors, convoluted facts, and doomsday prepper sites.  Take care my friends.  Cheers, Peace and Cheeto Grease.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Wheels up in 5

Departing Denver I have no questions today, I guess kinda numb still from the cold weather. Anyways, we are off to Acapulco, Mexico today. I assume I shall have some great photos to post later today. Cheers and cheetos.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Sitting patiently at the airport in Chicago, I have stumbled across a beautiful specimen of what americans refer to as the ultimate motorcycle, a Harley Davidson, HD, hundred dollars etc etc. it did feel nice between my legs. Well it appears i am now about to board my plane to head to Denver. In this line of work, no plans are made in my head. I just go wherever they tell me to. I kinda enjoy it. I will post tonight. Cheers!

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The beginning, or the end, or whatever.

How to fit a guitar in my backpack?

First post= I'm supposed to talk all about myself.... but all I am is an ego.  My accomplishments mean nothing in comparison to the spiritual journey I have continued to embark on my entire life.  Filled with questions from the day I was born, "why" has always been my favorite word.  You could say, I am currently very deeply fascinated with the world of Buddhism  and Hinduism.   Anyways, I digress.  Since this writing is only a material subject, I will speak only briefly about who I am and what this supercalafragelisticexpialidocious?  shit... I probably spelled that wrong.  anyways, I will briefly tell you about "me" so "you" know who "you" are dealing with.  Hopefully it will be enough for you to move onto another blog, and I wont have to worry about continuing to post here as I am lazy, and I much prefer a pencil and paper when I need to jot thoughts.  I am 27 or 28 or something, I can't really remember.  I am a male.  My name is Timothy, like the angel.  LOL.  You gotta love the LOL overuse today by the way... it is completely ridiculous.  Anyways, as you can already see, my mind ventures and is constantly thinking.  Luckily I am not the best at typing so it should slow me down to an understandable level.  Now onto my work, what I do, what they say "defines ME"... once again, me only being an object of matter, material, accomplishments, failures, regrets, STUFF, etc.  Not truly defining my soul... if I have one?  I am a paramedic, and have been for 9 years.  I have worked the streets in some sketchy neighborhoods, worked my way up to become a union firefighter/paramedic, then had a quarter life crisis of sorts including a super awesome divorce, and decided to quit it all.  This was the period I like to say, I started chasing the sunset.  Obviously, I came back to the "real world" (if you really believe this is the real world) after some spiritual searching, and I went back to the streets as a medic, continuing to bear witness to horrible human suffering.  I worked my way up again, and got into flight medicine, becoming a flight paramedic on a helicopter in Arizona.  Helicopters suck by the way.  They are small, hot, they crash a lot, and they are expensive as hell.  I attained a lot of learn-ed magical powers while I was a critical care flight paramedic; such as, how to play into customer service, how to smile when I saw somebody being treated improperly in a sending facility, because retention of future business means retention of a paycheck... immoral? I dunno... I always fixed what needed to be fixed and took them where they needed to go.  Oh, and I did learn a ton about labaratory value analysis, ventilator management, physiology and its relation to altitude, and have vastly expanded my knowledge of pharmacology.  Another thing I learned when I became a flight medic was I am really good at what I do.  I don't like compliments, nor do I receive them well, but ok.  To every person who told me I am the best they've seen at what I do... thanks, I guess... you have fed my ego well o' wise ones.  Anyways, I currently work on a worldwide air ambulance, frequenting all areas of the world onboard a private jet, staying in schwaggy hotels, riding in sweet pimped out town cars, eating like a fat kid, oh yeah, and providing a last hope to so many.  I truly love my job and what I do.  As a paramedic I am in a very rare line of work, and feel blessed to do the job I do.  I have gone from just delivering people to the closest hospital, to delivering them to the closest most appropriate hospital, to now taking people to the most appropriate facility based on their needs as well as their family needs.  This can be as simple as taking a little old lady back near her children to die, or taking a dying 3 y.o. girl to her last hope for treatment at a specialized facility anywhere in the world.  I like to say, I have finally found a job that I get to be a part of providing hope.  Hope is the most powerful medicine for the human soul, whether living or dead.    The details of my material life are extensive, and non-essential to this blog or "me".  "I" am "me", always will be, and never was.  I've decided to stop packing a large suitcase with more clothes than I need when I travel for a week for work.  Luckily I got a SweeT backpack!  Time to pack, hitting the road tomorrow.  -Peace, Love, and Cheetos Grease