Monday, November 10, 2014

Sobriety tool

I am going to rehab. I am sorry to every person affected by my inability to stay sober. I cannot fail my family or friends. I must succeed and become fully my true self. 

Sunday, October 19, 2014

My ears or my brain

I hear a lot, but I don't know if its my ears or my brain.  I won't post what I think I hear, because I don't think that would be right.  That is all.  I am sorry I cannot explain more.

Monday, August 25, 2014


I wish I would designate more time to write posts. Paranoia still thick in my thoughts. I still tempt the demons in hopes I will someday understand. Curiosity killed the cat, I'll never forget hearing one of them say. I am afraid. In my thoughts I am very alone. Apparently psychotic disorder not otherwise specified is an acceptable label in today's society. Medicate me to designate me I guess is the answer?  I love my girlfriend deeply. That is all for my evening ramble. Thx for reading. 

Thursday, August 14, 2014


The poison that is paranoia has overwhelmed my every thought. The only way to silence the inner self is to drink it away. The results are in: I am a crazy person running from myself.

Friday, August 1, 2014


I have a strong suspicion that where we direct our attention, we energetically feed. We provide the focused energy the attention seeking entity desires. Attention being conscious effort, is a very powerful form of energy. I hope others see this one day as I do. 

Thursday, May 29, 2014


My life has become this almost epic journey since listening to my inner self. Learning to let go and press on has taught me more than I can express, and I continue along this path letting the universe be my guide. There are no answers worth pondering if they will leave me with more questions. The cerebral focus diminishes as I fine tune the connection of my soul and body. The entire planet is becoming this singular aspect of recognition in my existence, and I am coming to realize my sole purpose here is to experience the love the world provides, and in turn exuberantly show my gratitude and love as a direct reflection of what I am lucky enough to experience. The transformation from within is transforming the entire planet before my eyes. Never before have I understood so much and felt so content with not knowing the things I once pondered. This ride that is life is the quintessential aspect of what we are all intended to do, and I would like to say thank you to the universe for showing me the way. I love you all as you are and I see the light in all of you. The world is changing, simply because I am intending it to do just that. Namaste. 

Thursday, May 22, 2014


The world is the most amazing place I can possibly imagine.  I am lucky to be here.  This post is simply to show gratitude to the world I understand.  Here is to promoting love, healing, and health.  Life is the essence of what you understand it to be.  I love life.  I love every single little piece of it, because it is mine, it is all of ours.  Experience is the sum of my existence as I speak.  Words dilute my experience in hopes I can promote wellness amongst those I view as outside of me, and I must constantly remind myself that we are all one.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Case Closed

I have been given a gift that I have been unaware of and have questioned throughout the years. I now realize it is my responsibility to those that believe in me to use my gift to make the world a better place. Day by day, I will continue to fight the negative energy in hopes I can learn my full potential and use it to give back to those that have believed in me and even those that lost hope. I am learning. Sobriety will be the tool I now use to expand my self awareness and potential. Thanks for all you continue to teach me. You all know who you are. 

Sunday, February 16, 2014


Tough day... I am not sure what the purpose of much anything is anymore.

Sunday, January 26, 2014


In considering a direction for my individual self as I understand it, I must consider evolution and what evolution favors. The reason I say this is because I believe if humans can identify what evolution favors, we have the best chance of survival as a species... However, remember "we" is only our simple understanding of the definition of the word "we". Again, I am not a smart man, but a thinker I am, and thinking is what I write. My understanding of evolution is it (as a whole) favors a species that utilizes less energy in order to foster more life and continual growth of physical life as we know it. My thoughts relate directly to energy. The utilization, and consumption of energy specifically. The planet we call home(physically) is an awe inspiring teacher in regards to physical survival. Trees teach us to build more lightweight reinforcing structures. Plants teach us how to synthesize sunlight and turn it into usable energy. This list can go on and on.  These natural things in our world have been here far longer than humans, and they are all teaching us how to survive on this planet.  What I am trying to get at here is beyond just a simple conversation about how we "need" to do certain things to sustain life as we understand it. I agree whole heartedly, we, as a species, have utilized and consumed more energy than was necessary in order to satisfy desires not of this planet, i.e.: televisions, computers, electronics, industry, greed, individuality, sadness, etc. etc. etc. All of these things arose out of consciousness and desire. They are all created by something we barely understand ourselves; individual conscious ability.  When I began to look at things from this perspective I reached a "fork in the road".  If I am to continue my life in a direction that I believe is proper, first I must know what proper is defined by, then I must consider my individual self as it is understood, then I must learn which direction would be most beneficial to our species.  There is one thing I left out, consciousness.  I am hypothesizing that our consciousness is not of this planet, but is from something we cannot yet understand.  I am including in this hypothesis the idea that consciousness is also evolving, however exponentially when compared to other species of this planet.  We are rapidly growing with information and the increase continues to increase daily.  The world wide web has become an extension of our consciousness.  As our conscious ability thrives on the web, our physical aspects remain stagnant, requiring increased energy.  Our bodies are dying, and our minds are expanding.  If you study the collapse of different societies you will see that they most typically statistically fail due to overconsumption of available natural resources.  What amazes me when I think about all of this is the fact that our consciousness almost seems to be transferring into the web, and our bodies are merely the vehicles consciousness currently uses.  My final question that I cannot help but ask, is consciousness bad, or is consciousness all we have as a species?  I believe all living things have a conscious, ours however seem to be focused on individuality, which has already proven to lead to overconsumption of available resources in past societies. 

Monday, January 6, 2014

Lump on a lung

I have spent the last ten years of my life doing what I was taught is a stand up and ethical profession with focus on treating others medically when they are in need. In the ten years I haven't learned near enough to have a truly respected opinion, however I will try to put that aside and tell it from my current understanding of what medicine is, and it's affects on our world. This is going to be perceived as a double edged sword and may even get me fired from my current profession, but as I lay in a hospital bed as a patient for the first time, wondering if my lung biopsy results will be horrible news, I feel incredibly inclined and morally obligated to speak my mind and the truth as it is seen by not only me, but many people in the lower echelon of healthcare.
Like any business or organizational structure there must be decisions made that often times border on unethical and or immoral. These decisions I venture to guess are much deeper and more involved than I wish to understand, but I do empathize with the folks in high up positions making these decisions.  First, they are making decisions that affect hundreds, sometimes thousands, of employees lifestyle and employment. This amount of pressure on one person I can only imagine leads to a very defensive, nervous, and paranoid personality. As the leader, you know you are constantly disappointing the people that work for you. This cannot be easy on individual psyche.

So, the upper aspect of any business is typically going to have it's immoral behavior, that seems to be a given with any large enterprise.  Where this potentially causes problems is when big business is associated with healthcare. So many people are sold into the idea of becoming a healthcare worker because the TV ads, commercials, billboards, magazines, parents, school counselors, friends, etc. All of them tell you it is a noble position where you can make a difference in the world.  I am not here to say you won't make a difference in the world, because you absolutely surely will, but it will be within the guidelines and under the auspice of the current medicinal structure as accepted worldwide. We in America have access to state of the art imaging, medicine, nuclear medicine, physician networks. We are very lucky. Medicine is not what I am trying to convey as the evil aspect of this obviously biased writing. What I truly believe drives medicine is money, dirty dirty money. If you are a healthcare worker you will understand what I am about to say.

Today's financially driven and greed based patient care has given birth to false hope for the ignorant. It is very convenient for those making the money, adding on to their hospitals, buying new jets, etc, but do not forget this money comes from very few places.  The primary source of funding the.greed is patient care. Now I question you this:  your grandmother is 97years old, is unable to speak as she has a trach in place and is dependent upon a mechanical ventilator.  She receives continuous feedings in a tube in her stomach, however continues to show degradation of health, losing weight, and beginning renal failure.  Over the night She slips out of the bed and breaks the greater trochanterich head of her left femur, with distal pulses, pallor, motor function, and sensory remaining present after the fall. STOP... I would like to know what you think is proper humane treatment of this woman at this point. Please comment if you would like. On to my rant:  here we have a lady that is going to be without question incredibly uncomfortable, not to mention malnourished, probably with skin breakdown from ulcerations from her bed ridden state. What if I told you I took this lady to get surgery to repair her femur? This is where we are filled with fake hope typically. We take such a beautiful opportunity to properly treat a human being, properly pad, and medicate her until she is in absolutely no discomfort. Instead, we take her to surgery, where chances r better she will develop some sort of life ending infection, and the focus will be consistently on the minor problems... The infection, the bones, the full Foley bag, the Shitty diaper, etc. This woman did not need this, and I have yet to meet a person who would appreciate such treatment.

I challenge all of you to look at death as beautiful as life, to adore death the way you adore birth, they are both complete beauty if done properly within our society's guidelines. No more dirty money. As life ends, in medicine, we need to learn to say no, not only for ourselves, but our loved ones too.